woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
where are my pants?
in the oven.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
