My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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