I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
