All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
