My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
