I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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