i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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