you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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