Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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