I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
