someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
