They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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