I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
