i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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