You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
