Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
