3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You smell like stripper and shame
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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