I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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