I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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