come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
