This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
