No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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