My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
