Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
