don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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