I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
