3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
