I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
