I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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