i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
