Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
