I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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