Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
