i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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