guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
