Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize