Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
