WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
