I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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