Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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