White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
