Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Text me some of your sweat
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
