I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize