Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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