Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
