My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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