there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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