this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize