i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
