does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
