I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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