Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
