Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
