the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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