I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
