dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
