so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
