if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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