my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
