i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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