when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
