You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
