I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
