What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
