You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
